Deadlands Noir Extinct in the Big Easy

The Element of Surprise
Symbol Fu

I wondered how much the universe was against us as we were entering the Kali-Cult compound. See, we had us this amazing plan: we were gonna turn the engine of the train into a kick-ass kinetic bomb and just red-line it all the way to their bunker, then mop up stragglers. Instead, they had a clever defense: a moat made out of angry spirits that ONLY a functional train engine of theirs could weather. I don’t think I’ve ever run faster than when I did to stop that train engine from exploding, but I ran fast enough.

As we were pulling into the depot, the element of surprise was on OUR side for a change. Father Ryan threw a hand grenade (may or may not have been blessed beforehand) into their ranks, taking care of the first wave. None of the waves of human guards that followed managed to form a decent enough line to hold us back.

Not to say they didn’t have options. They had more of those straw men what the others found at that corn field, but by then we knew how to deal with their kind. They even had some new type of war automata, but I don’t believe they were out of prototype stage. Way I reason that is when I cracked one of Mama’s special shells open on them, they just went kaput. Kind of a dead giveaway, if you know what I mean.

Still, there’s no such thing as a boring gunfight. After days like this, I may be caught napping during the Indy 500, and I’ll be in a car!

Saturday Nights alright for Fighting

So I have done some dumb things in my life; I once ran with the bulls in Pamplona, I tried to outdrink an Irishman, and I was once briefly involved in a land war in Asia. I have bested all of these by asking Sven for some fighting lessons.

I know that he wasn’t trying to hurt me but he hits so hard that even pulled punches are like baseball bats into mailboxes swung from Indy cars. It is very motivating and I learned real well how to avoid his basic attacks but I fear that I am going to be black and blue for days. Even so, I owe him for taking the time to help me. I feel like I am a freight train until I hit the wall and run out of power. In those situations, it is good knowing a bit about how not to get hit.

Off Kalis Christmas card list

The Brothers Smith seemed to be dabbling in some big time mojo. They had an altar to Kali in their planty playroom that suppressed my magic, they seemed to have some control over plants and really pissed us off. After the battle against them we destroyed the altar and made our way to the treasure room guarded by another of those machines. It didn’t seem to care to guard the room anymore now that the Smith Brothers are dead but we did have to show it some body parts. After that, it just self destructed.

I have thought that this job was a lot of danger without a lot of bennies. Well, that is no longer true…we hit the motherload! I also thought I saw the Father pocket something but I am not sure. I may ask him what he found.

Poking Kali
First a train full of demons, sacrifices, and magically summoned tigers, then a kitchen full of carnivorous scarecrows called to the service of Kali— all that’s missing is a baby-eating shih-tzu, and we’d have a story to rival_ Alice in Wonderland_.

I almost couldn’t help myself, looking into the kitchen, but I think it’s good that I did— we vanquished the corn foes and destroyed the altar to kali. Now, I have ultimate respect for this goddess, in a historical sense. I understand the draw— she controls death and birth and rebirth, right? But the hurry it, is what I want to know. these minions, these foolish acolytes of hers, have missed the essential detail of life’s purpose— to enjoy what we have, as we can. this is why I cook, this is what BBQ was invented for, it’s why a birthday cake recipe will get handed down through generations of a family for hundreds of years, although it is composed of such simple elements as flour, milk, eggs, sugar, in amounts that become sacrosanct over time. the adherents to the worship of Kali, or any god, miss the boat when they give blood of this precious life, to please capricious deist whims.

I’ve had a belly-full of them by now. I can’t deny, though, that the Father and the sailor seem to get a lot of benefit, and give it too, from their holy creatures. I was a Baptist as a kid, but not for years, now. And I’ve seen too much to believe it’s all that easy, anymore.

Fools walk where Angels fear to tread
The lads and I were able to clear out the bunker at the Smith and Smith complex fairly easily.

We even made a tidy profit and recovered some valuable looking Hindi artifacts in the process. I still have to honor my vow of poverty but I think the Order of St. Michael will be most grateful for my donation to their cause. Hopefully this will make it easier to garner support when the forces of evil pull me into battle.

In the bunker we found several statues of and altars dedicated to Kali. Not only did I ensure that these unholies were destroyed and purified I also ended the lives of several of her unholy warriors. Chief among those killed were the Smith Brothers themselves, by myself and Sven. Ever Since leaving the bunker, I cannot help but to think that we have meddled in the affairs of an evil God who takes such offences most seriously….

Into the Belly of the Beast
The Lads and I Captured the train, slaying the foul Demon in control of the Engine. We were able to free the captives and disconnect the passenger cars they were on. If we are not careful, we may end up as the Sacrifices. Looks Like we are rolling into a station now….

Looks like like we have a dozen or so Thugs waiting for us on the Platform. Looks like a good place for a grenade. Unfortunately for these pour souls I have one……SHOWTIME!


I haven’t been able to sleep the last few nights. I keep having the same dream. The train comes alive with the demon Dakshin Rai. I keep moving forward with the train screaming down the track. Everything on the train reached and clawed at me. Each new car that I moved into had someone from my past or present, each one dying in increasingly gruesome ways. I never get to the front of the train and I never seem to run out of people to lose. If the others think I am taking the train back to New Orleans, they are crazy.

I think Im starting to like this

I won second place for my pie. I think I could’ve won blue ribbon if I had better ingredients… which, speaking of, are in short supply around Indy lately, due to the Kali cult.

I never thought that in my life as a cook, an Indian death goddess and her followers would be a major factor in my baking style. I never thought I’d be on the side of shadow tigers and benevolent gangsters. I never thought I’d be releasing the people speeding towards their end as a human sacrifice on a train, killing mobsters, and healing wounded magicians.

I think I’m starting to like, and that worries me.

Tigers and trains

We were able to get on to the train that is carrying sacrifices for the Kali cult. It was extremely harrowing with a drop from an ornithopter on to the train roof while taking fire from a dirigible.


When I got into the train car, I thought about the new tattoo and watched the tiger tattoo leap down my arm and out into a railing on the train. I could feel the tiger on the roof of the train.

We cleared three cars when the Monk and some more goons joined the fray. I have seen some of these guys fight before and this will be fun.

Train Job
Yeah, Ive ALWAYS Wanted to Try This

Agent Victor Dai Sun paid us a visit after we cleared out the butcher-brothel (one more invention that didn’t need inventing). He told us about how the last guy to investigate the Kali Cultists operating in this area was shipped back in small pieces. It was his mentor. Dai Sun wants to shut them down for good, and he knows we’re pretty good at shutting people down, so he offered to support us in punching them in the nose… with their own train.

See, they’re getting a shipment of people they’re aiming to sacrifice shipped right to their doorstep. The plan is to hop the train and take it over, detach the civilian cars, and turn the engine into a bomb set to go off as soon as it reaches the station.

I know that times will be difficult, and that I’m going to encounter obstacles and powerful forces bent to my destruction. I know that this world takes and demands and punishes. But on those days I hope I have the wisdom to look back on this night, when stuff is just… just great.


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