Deadlands Noir Extinct in the Big Easy

Why hast thou forsaken me
Let me count the ways

I have sinned. I admit, that was too easy. Women have always been my downfall. They have led me to the next one…. Pride. I am guilty of being too proud of what me and the Lads have done. I thought we had earned a little fun for all the evil we had vanquished…. Then we crossed over to another domain to battle an evil Crocodile god. The Lads stood fast. But not me, I was the weak one. The one who panicked and ran. Me, your so called warrior. Me, who should have wrapped myself in your armor and strode forth into battle against your foes. I have failed you, Lord.

The world we returned to was not our own. I do not know what your plan for me, or the others is, But I shall redeem myself, And my lads too……

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Weapon Sketches
There Ain't a Pillow Big Enough

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Package home

Amy Wahlmann
C/O Tombstone Gazette, New Orlean Branch
New Orleans, CSA

Hi Amy, hope you are well. So far, I remain alive and kicking. I have sent this courier with special diplomatic privileges since we are now fairly good friends with the Presidente of Mexico after we saved the city from a volcano kicked off by virgin sacrifices to a Crocodile God. Fairly routine. I have included pictures of the fight through the city of the dead, up the volcano side and of the caldera itself. Hopefully, your readers will like them! I wrote you a note when we headed through the jungle and since we are going after the Asshole Mexican Croc-god still, I have included it as a precaution. I would tell you to open only if I am killed but you would never wait that long. Anyway, we are headed out. Hopefully, this will end this whole campaign and allow us to return to NOLA. See you soon with more pictures.

Com todo meu amor,

Antonio

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Goodbye Vanessa
Or should I say Good riddance?
We left the necropolis and headed up the volcano, knowing that Xitlan would be expecting us. None the less, we were still able to ambush Dr. Kelso, Vanessa, and the rest of his troops on the narrow path winding it’s way up the side of the volcano. Antonio cast his Havoc spell and then Sven and I started tossing grenades into their ranks and we were able to reduce their numbers. Then Xitlan started to raise them as zombies. We made sure to send the bodies over the side of the cliff after that. Claude was able to take out Vanessa and, after I reminded him, he made sure to put a slug in her head to keep her down. Xitlan was no match for the rest of us, once we ganged up on him. Once I rescued the last of his virgin sacrifices from falling into the caldera, I made sure his head went into the volcano and the rest of him was cremated at the base.


After the battle Antonio found some pagan relic that he was taking home to Amy and Sven found an obsidian sword that he said Jane would absolutely love. We also found a map showing the location of this pool that that needs to be closed. We’re off for what we hope is the final battle in Mexico……

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To whoever finds this

I have done everything I possibly can to protect this note and the included camera however I doubt that it will survive a volcanic eruption. Please send the camera to Amy Wahlman at the Tombstone Epitaph in New Orleans. Please tell her this:

I love you but I am glad that we were not married before my untimely death at the hand of some asshole Mexican god. That way you can move on more easily and find someone new. Please print whatever photos have survived and tell the world that I have had the chance to fight real evil alongside some of the most heroic people I have had the luck of encountering. Take care of yourself.

Antonio

Thank you whoever you are. I think Amy will be more interested in the photos than my goodbye but I dare to dream. I hope Mexico is not too fucked up.

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The City of the Dead
More like City of the Undead
We spent most of the next day driving to the Necropolis along with our bodyguards. The City of the Dead was a misnomer. IT should have been called The City of the Undead. Cultists, zombies, vampires, amalgams of dead bodies, mummies, and numerous other evil spirits. Our poor bodyguards were ill prepared for the horrors they were forced to witness. We came across another of Kali’s cornfields, fertilized by the blood of innocents in some unholy ritual. We were overwhelmed by the enormity of the task to cleanse this foul place.


Then, with a terrifying rumble, the earth shook and our attention was focused on the nearby volcano and it all became crystal clear. Kelso and his friend Xitlan were conducting a Dark Ritual powered by sacrificial magic to cause an eruption that would destroy Mexico City and create a new Deadlands for the Old ones to use as a gateway to the Hunting Grounds. We sent two of our three remaining bodyguards back to Mexico City with our report and a request for a aerial attack on the cornfield. Antonio and I figure that we have about 2 hours to stop this ritual and and save Mexico City. Hopefully this won’t be my last report…….

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TO El Presidente
Thank You for the Flask

Haven’t found your archaeologists, but they’re very likely dead.

There’s a field set up in Tenochtitlan with demonic grain. It glows, it screams like a child, and the Aztecs and their undead are harvesting it to fuel a volcanic eruption. Odds are you noticed that last bit.

Airstrike the entire site right away. Our occult scholars figure whoever’s responsible means to wake up a Deadland, and if they manage that there’s no way anyone’ll ever reclaim the land.

Hurry.

-Nicky Rawlins

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Alligators
Seriously Why Did It Have to be Alligators

The good news: Despite all of Antonio’s admittedly impressive attempts to thwart us, we managed to get some time with the president of Mexico and convince him that there’s an angry crocodile god gearing up to unleash a flavor of hell or two on Earth. Nobody wants to be the guy that let an apocalypse happen in their back yard, so he gave us some cars, a few good men, and a flask of liquid courage to help us on our way to take Cipactli (ask Anson about this guy, at least to figure out if spelling his name right is good or bad).

The bad news: This crocodile god’s surrounded himself with alligators. As if I didn’t hate this job enough, why in the hell do there have to be freaking GATORS in this place? “But ”/characters/patent-scientist" class=“wiki-content-link”>Nicky, there’s no difference between crocodiles and alligators!" SCREW THAT!

Crocodiles have pointy snouts and their teeth are on display at all times – they’re honest about what they are, they don’t even try to hide it. I can respect that. But gators, they hide. Blocky snouts that don’t look as dangerous, and when they close their mouths the teeth are hidden. Hell, I’ve seen cutesy dolls made to look like gators, they’ve got people FOOLED! But I know what they are.

I know.

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Brilliant Idea

I was thinking the other day and I have a brilliant business idea. I call them Threat Shirts, or ‘T-shirts’ for short. It makes the wearer a walking warning to others about the unknown hazards around them. It would be a repetitive reminder of the dangers about and how to be on the lookout for them. I drew up this one about my most recent run-in with the horrible worm in the bottom of a tequila bottle. I will have to have someone more skilled at art polish it since I do not think my rudimentary drawing skills communicated the potential danger.worm.jpg

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A night to Remember
Antonio’s poor judgement will get himself killed one of these days. We arrived in Mexico City and while I went downtown to minister to the poor and get the lay of the land, Antonio and the rest of the lads went to the bar. When I came back, the rest of the lads were carrying Antonio out of the bar with blood coming out of his mouth. It seems that Antonio had eaten some kind of worm that was now consuming him from within. We rushed Antonio back to the room where I was able to cut the creature out of him without killing him. While he lost a lot of blood, I think the Hail Mary’s I was praying during the surgery kept him from bleeding out.


The next morning I stopped and had my cassock cleaned before I paid my respects to Bishop Kelly. After exchanging pleasantries and asking about his ministry I got down to business and asked him to arrange invitations to the Presidential party that night. Bishop Kelly was more than happy to arrange for the lads and I get on the guest list. He even went so far as to help us get proper attire for the costume party it turned out to be.

When we arrived at the party, Each of us was greeted by a lovely young lady who invited us to dance. My partner was the lovely and charming Luisa, daughter of the Mexican Finance Minister. Most women would be shocked to find themselves dancing with a priest. Not Luisa, to her it was a challenge. As she discovered that I was familiar with the various dances, her moves became evermore sensual and provocative. Just as it looked like it was to be a long and most enjoyable night, Antonio struck. Apparently his partner was the sister-in-law of the president and with impeccable timing, he insulted her and brought everything to a screeching halt. Then, he proceeded to insult the President’s wife. Fortunately, Claude was able to smooth things over, even after Antonio’s attempt at a burlesque act.
With Claude’s help we were able to get a private audience with the President and warn him of the imminent danger. Once he heard our story, he agreed to provide us with transport, security troops and supplies. We leave in the morning.

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